astrugglingfather

One thing that's pretty obvious to anyone that knows me is that I'm somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, and I'm really feeling that right now. Life is easy for me when it's black and white and there's an answer, or at least some way of getting to an answer. When there's no clear path from here to there, I struggle mightily - and my whole life is in that grey area right now. I don't know if my wife is leaving me or not - and I don't think she does either.

But what I struggle the most with is the uncertainty, with no end in sight. As soon as my brain stops dealing with (paid) work, housework, looking after the children or whatever else, I just see that sword hanging above my head, waiting to fall. I can't even tell if the thread supporting it is getting stronger or getting closer to breaking, and if I ask those questions they seem to make things worse. But that sword is sucking all the enjoyment out of my life right now.

So here we are. It's time to admit that I'm struggling with my life. But before we get into details, let's start with who I am.

Outwardly, you'd think my life is good. I have a good job, two wonderful children, a nice house and all the things that would make people think I'm happy. But I'm not, for two main reasons: firstly, my marriage is on the verge of breakdown and secondly I struggle with my mental health.

These two are of course related - I'm not sure how to describe my mental health issues yet, but my anger is what my wife hates the most. It makes her scared to be around me, and so she's very close to leaving - which would of course mean the children go as well. I'm also an extremely proud person, so I haven't asked for the help I need with this yet. Hopefully that will change.

Even writing this anonymous blog is hard for me. I'm scared someone will relate it to my real identity. But I'm going to try, because writing this stuff down might help me, and it might help someone else in the future.